Getting Over Myself

"He must increase, but I must decrease."
(John 3:30 NASB)

These last four years have been pretty rough for me. Tremendously busy with marriage, having a child, and seeing my career excel to new heights. What that busyness did however, is slowly decline my relationship with the Lord to the point where I was doing a lot, but not really abiding in Him. My attitudes became more arrogant because I had money coming in and we could afford what we wanted within reason and prudence. I didn't have to rely on God all that much.

As a married couple, my wife and I became more cynical and judgmental of the people around us. Never to the point of being jerks in public, but in private we would make lots of comments and jokes. We were clearly arrogant and full of ourselves, but never really realized that it was a symptom that we were no longer fully following the Lord with all our hearts.

We moved to a new city because our prayers led us here and we fully knew that God wanted to change our lives - to draw us near to Him and help us to get back to knowing Him again.

Even in coming here however, I was still full of personal arrogance and I believed that I would get a decent job. Not a prime job by any stretch, but something good. Fortunately for me, it hasn't been that easy. It has been a ride full of disappointments left and right.

I say "fortunately" because my wife and I have realized that there is a sense that God is withholding from us. He has effectively pressed "pause" in our lives, and showed us our deficiencies. The first red flag came with the frustrations and tensions of moving here and having disappointments in the job search. We both were tense and full of resentment toward each other. We maintained good parenting, but inside we were short and would make constant sarcastic comments back and forth.

But, a light has come on in both of us. We've fallen to our knees and acknowledged the hidden sins of arrogance that had grown in us. We were putting ourselves in front of God and worrying about our reputations, materialistic desires and pride.

God gave me a newsflash and said, "I don't care about your reputation with the world. Strip yourself bare of needing the approval of people you know, and simply be my servant in whatever I tell you to do." Because I was holding onto my plans, my pride, my reputation, he couldn't grow me at all. I was a plant that was bearing little to no fruit. Certainly, nothing great for His kingdom was being done by me.

But, my desires have all changed. I need to clean my arrogance out, and focus on that. My past, my dreams are nothing. What I have must be appreciated in full, and there is much to praise Him for (especially the joy of being a parent to my daughter, and a husband to my wife). All the junk that I once valued myself for is out the window because it isn't real or eternal. In fact, I have absolutely nothing to feel superior about (Praise God!). When I finally let go, He can use to me to do His work - He must increase, but I must decrease.