Today I have been awakened at 4am by the most startling metaphoric image of my life, and I believe that the Lord was speaking to my soul.
I was trying to push through a large pile of rubble, but it was as if I had to struggle through it behind a large wall. The wall itself needed to be used to push through the rubble (imagine a bulldozer, but with me as the machine pushing the big bucket in front), but because there was so much of it in front of me the going through was so tough.
Through this exercise, I realized that I felt a fear in the pit of my stomach. People were laughing at me, pointing and mocking. Everyone was, and I felt awful - nervous, unsettled to the point of a cold sweat - all because the world was mocking me.
Then I realized further that the rubble I was pushing through was the mockers of the world, but I couldn't gain any traction while I remained in this fearful state because I was paralyzed against them. And God showed me that more than anything in this world, greater than even the fear of death, I was living in fear of the world's judgment.
I didn't want to be judged, but instead I was living a life where I was afraid to do anything that would incur the mocking of the world - and they (the world) sat eagerly observing me with cynical affections, ready to attack with their judgment which scared me all the more into further paralysis.
I cannot explain the feeling that I felt: panic, desperation, hopelessness beyond hopelessness. In truth I would rather have died than to have to incur any more of this humiliating mocking.
Then God showed me my soul as being made up of various influences and that I was being led by one source who cared deeply about the judgments of the world around me. He is called Pride of Life. Pride of Life counseled continued restraint and complete inaction because he could not bear any negative thoughts from anyone. He wants to continually be favored by the world around him and in order to do that, he'll do anything - even crawl into his own personal shell to avoid engaging anything opposed to the world's opinion.
Having been recognized and outed, I ousted Pride of Life by praying to the Lord, and the Lord took him away from the soul (by grabbing him with a commando team and shoving him into a helicopter - I have been playing "Call of Duty: Modern Warfare"), but my soul still feared.
However, I began to do my duty to the push the wall through the rubble of life, so a smooth path was created behind it (imagine a bulldozer smoothing a rough road) though the effort it took was enormous and the soul still lived in fear of the mockers that it was pushing through.
God reminded my soul to don the armor of God, and after much struggle to remember what that was, I put on the Helmet of Salvation, the Breastplate of Righteousness, the Belt of Truth, the Shoes of Peace, the Shield of Faith, and also the Sword - God's Word. The pains from the mockers lessened considerably with the donning of each item, and my pace in smoothing the rubble in front of me began to increase. It was then that I realized that Jesus Christ pushed with me and I was not alone.
The Lord reminded me that the world is ready to mock and judge me, but in order to walk his path, I must not fall into the trap of the Pride of Life where I seek to avoid offense. Rather, I must be ready to walk through any valley of humiliation as a Christian, for unless I'm ready to do that, no progress will be made because I will be too afraid to do anything for Christ. In fact, the message was even stronger - that I must always be willing to endure any humiliation no matter what that might be - that I must never mind the world's opinion, but instead rely completely on Faith.
For a Christian, Pride is the enemy of Faith because it seeks to kill any movement that isn't completely safe or easy. However, the Christian path isn't an easy one because it is singly reliant on Faith alone despite circumstances. If we let in the Pride of Life to even a small degree, we begin to weak our efforts to follow Christ. At that point, it is an inevitable process where the Pride of Life will increase his influences into our lives, having gained a foothold, and will kill our progress to nil.
So heavy was this burden in my soul that before re-entering sleep, I knew this needed to be recorded so that I will never forget.
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